The (Un) Usual Suspects

CAROLE
Hardened hack we were all expecting to hate, but who's shown a canny understanding of the way the show works, takes an interest in everyone (and why not, journos don't get on by not being interested) and who actually seems quite nice. The woman who referred to The Princess of Our Hearts as a 'braindead bimbo' in a prescient column published on the day that Diana was braindeaded.

CLEO
Lovely, lovely Cleo who has breasts and everything. Famous for being Kenny Everett's sidekick. Beautiful, funny, clever and a pleasure to watch. I can say nothing bad about her.

DANIELLE
She's apparently famous for fucking Teddy Sheringham. Scouse who showed some initial promise once we'd got past sneering at her tit-jiggling ways, but no. Bland, talks about her Teddy all the time, bitches, cries, bores for Scouseland.

DIRK
Seemed to be a pretty cool guy until he said that the problem with the British is that we are all socialists. Now aside from his deeply conservative attitudes he does seem like a nice enough guy, but he's not MrT, and he looks like he has a saggy arse, so fuck 'im.

DONNY
Came into the house drunk as a skunk and seemed like the biggest twat the house had ever seen. Sobered up and it emerged that he wasn't really a twat at all, in fact he looked like a promising housemate until he made the very wise decision to leg it over the wall rather than "wait on a fucking moron and her family." Nice work, Donny. We sort of wish you'd stayed, but leaving the cunt soup that was developing was a very good move.

"H" IAN
Is he Ian, is he H? Is he a twat or has he just come out and emerged as rather a nice young man? Well bugger us backwards, H, the most annoying man in pop (probably) has turned out to be a bit of a sweetheart. I thought I'd want to kill him, I now accept that I might drink a pint with him. Just the one mind you.

JACK
Boyfriend of Jade, mostly mute.

JACKIEY
Jade's mother. A subhuman car wreck, a gammy-armed disgrace. Can't say "Shilpa" but can say "the Indian", can barely articulate the morass of 'thoughts' running through her feeble excuse for a mind. Ignorant, flatulent, racist, and with the voice of transgendered brickie. Lowest points: the racism (natch), the bullying (natch again) and wearing a see-through swimsuit and so inflicting her minging muff on a traumatised nation.

JADE
She's back and ... she's back. She seems more 'grounded' than in her previous incarnation, but please! Do we need to see this woman again. Do we fuck! Go away you pointless creature. I'm very pleased for her that she managed to do well for herself, and seeing her mother makes you realise what a lot she's had to overcome, but sweet baby Jesus WHY? Has so far been a bit sobby and snot-filled, but shows signs of becoming a manipulative bully all over again. This will probably happen sooner rather than later now that mommie dearest has departed the house.

JERMAINE
Michael's older brother. Quiet, shy, sweet and gentle. And black. Unlike his brother.

JO
S-Club lesbian. Probably. Seemed okay at first, but is prone to bitching, looking hard-faced and being a bit of a nonentity. Back to the dog-breeding Jo. Or, you know, say or do something interesting.

KEN
Ah, Ken. A British treasure resembling the Queen Mother without the crap dresses. Eccentric, a little arrogant, undoubtedly a bit of a toucher. Left after a few days with the family Goody proved an experience too far for the man who had lived through The Who and Oliver Reed.

LEO
A cunt. A pint-sized, pube-haired cunt of the highest order. Does not shut up, cannot shut up, will not shut up! This man can sap your will to live. If there is a Heaven, this man will undoubtedly make St Peter scream "Fuck off you utter cunt!" at the pearly gates, because there can be no one, no one who's ever lived who could stomach this shitstain for longer than a few seconds without considering a career in dwarf serial killing.

SHILPA
Bollywood princess. Seemed destined to be beautiful but bland, but has shown a feisty personality and a giggle that delights all who hear it. Subjected to Jackiey's racist bullying until last night when the heinous one was evicted from the house. Sweet and gentle, watching her with Jermaine is one of life's simple pleasures.


And later I will post something about the actual show. Thus far it's been such a car crash that my brain has refused to allow my fingers to type about it. Mostly reasoning that cathartic as it might seem at the time, repeatedly typing "fucking cunts, cunt, fuck, arse, shitehawk, fucking fuck fuck CUNT!" would not be a particularly creative use of my time.