Big Brother Celebrity Hijack - 3rd January Launch Show

An excellent name for the show. Maybe they'll stay with the terrorism theme and the summer version will be called Big Brother Suicide Bomber, with all the carnage that implies.

Still, if tonight's opening is anything to go by, they won't need any extra carnage. Poor old Dermott O'Leary telling us its "Genius!" and "Brilliant!" every time the camera cuts to him, when all we can really see going on is the baiting of a fat ginger Scot who is being remotely controlled by Matt Lucas and made to act like a socially retarded hunchback. Oh I'm sorry, have I forgotten to describe the concept! Pay attention now, this is the er, science bit. Where science = a bunch of gakked up twats trying to come up with a format after they discover that there isn't a celebrity in the world who's prepared to risk their career on the show anymore. So. We have a house full of allegedly talented plebs who are - and here's the hilarious bit - being controlled by celebs! Brilliant! Genius! The celebs have hijacked Big Brother! Oh, there go my sides.

The first celebrity to do this is Matt Lucas, a noted comedy Genius, a Brilliant raconteur and bald twat. He decided that the aforementioned fat ginger Scot should go into the house first because he was the one most likely to pass Matt's fiendish task. That task, is to be told to do stupid things by Matt via the medium of an earpiece and a stupid hat. Have you lost the will to live yet? I think the fat ginger Scot has. His name is John and he is a junior politician. Other talents in the house include, a racing driver, a boxer, a fashion designer, an entreprenueur with a bad weave, circus freaks and someone who wears a bikini for a living and is good at quizzes set by nazis. Apparently she can't spell Canada, but she can tell you which triangle looks like another triangle, whether Florence is older than Mary or younger than John or both, and the name of Hitler's favourite dog.

In short, this is utter shite, which is probably why its inglorious run will be occur in the relative privacy of E4. The producers don't have the brains to realise that their target audience don't want to see young people with 'talent', however dubious, they want to see desperate wannabes. Losers who are only one tit-flash away from obscurity, ranting racist bullies who they can hate while failing to see themselves in the fatally flawed freak performing for their delectation. They'll hate this bunch for having aspirations beyond sucking off a footballer and/or falling out of nightclubs covered in sick and fingering a page three reject. They'll probably laugh a little at the peurile antics of fat embryo stunt double, Lucas, they might even raise a snigger or two a the ubiquitous comedy vacuum, Jimmy Wan-Carr, but what will they make of Jake and Dinos Chapman? Brian Sewell? Joan Rivers?

It's a slo-mo car crash with a only handful of rubberneckers to watch its grim passage. But in case you think this is just an exercise in negativity, I would like to reassure you that there is one brilliantly shining silver lining to this dim and dreary cloud. It is so bad, so irredeemably fucking awful, that I am finally free from the addiction that started back in the year 2000. Thank you Endemol! Thank you, you shite-shovelling shitstains! Free at last, Free at last thank Bazelgette almighty, I'm free at last!